Where Did All The Real Republicans Go?

As a spectator in this year's election season I've stumbled to a simple question: Where did the GOP go? To me, the Republican Party centers its beliefs on Federalism (smaller federal government), balanced budgets, less taxes, more financial accountability, freedom of the individual, the importance of personal responsibility and generally less government interaction in citizen lives.

What GOP am I talking about? The GOP of some of the strongest politicians this country has ever had. The GOP used to be strong enough to have solid beliefs, the ability to get things done rather than just toss scattering rhetoric on problems, and political genius enough to comprimise (remember the mind-blowing deal Newt Gingrich and President Bill Clinton agreed upon to balance the budget in the 1990s?).

These were the principles of the GOP of President Ronald Reagan.

• "Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have. "

• "Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty."
• "Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves. "
• "The problem is not that people are taxed too little, the problem is that government spends too much. "

These were the principles of Barry Goldwater:

• "Remember that a government big enough to give you everything you want is also big enough to take away everything you have.”


• “The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.”

These were the principles of President Abraham Lincoln:

• "And by virtue of the power, and for the purpose aforesaid, I do order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said designated States, and parts of States, are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Executive government of the United States, including the military and naval authorities thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons."
• "I have here stated my purpose according to my view of official duty; and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed personal wish that all men everywhere could be free."
• "The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise -- with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disentrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country."

These were the principles of President Theodore Roosevelt:

• "A typical vice of American politics is the avoidance of saying anything real on real issues. "
• "Much can be done by law towards putting women on a footing of complete and entire equal rights with man - including the right to vote, the right to hold and use property, and the right to enter any profession she desires on the same terms as the man."..."Women should have free access to every field of labor which they care to enter, and when their work is as valuable as that of a man it should be paid as highly."
• "The conservation of natural resources is the fundamental problem. Unless we solve that "There is not in all America a more dangerous trait than the deification of mere smartness unaccompanied by any sense of moral responsibility."problem it will avail us little to solve all others."

These are the principles of Newt Gingrich:

• “It is impossible to maintain civilization with 12-year-olds having babies, with 15-year-olds killing each other, with 17-year-olds dying of AIDS and with 18-year-olds getting diplomas they can't read”
• “All free people stand on Reagan's shoulders. His principled policies proved that free markets create wealth, that the rule of law sustains freedom, and that all people everywhere deserve the right to dream, to pursue their dreams, and to govern themselves.”
• "This is a crossroads for the Bush presidency, ... This is a very exciting period about what is effective government in the 21st century. Either he will be FDR and lead a dramatic change of government, or he will be defender of a failed system. The biggest political challenge for the next two years is to re-center the government.”
• “We probably should have almost maniacally focused on cutting taxes, reforming government, working on saving Social Security, recognize that would cause a big fight, accept that was a better fight for us than drifting into October with, as people kept saying, no national themes, no national dialogue.”

And, finally, these were the principles of President General Dwight Eisenhower:

• "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."
• "We have never stopped sin by passing laws; and in the same way, we are not going to take a great moral idealand achieve it merely by law."

The GOP I grew to favor in the 1980s and 1990s is all but gone, deceased in a ramshackle of boisterous idiots running ramshot through the china shop of American politics. Christian Right-Wing Conservatives such as Rev. Jerry Falwell and Rev. Pat Robertson, bigoted blowhards like Rush Limbaugh and U.S. Senator Phil Gramm, and mindless yappers U.S. Representative Michelle Bachmann and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin show how far the GOP has fallen. Even Senator John McCain, a formerly fervent Reagan-ite, has turned into a mush of the political maverick he used to be (and now sits as an uncomfortable puppet of the Karl Roves of the world). In the past, McCain played as the strong Republicans played -- understanding the tenor of the public and welcoming of a new challenge. But today, McCain and Palin stand side-by-side mumbling conservo-speak that appears to mimic the downfalls of George W. Bush's impotent presidency.

Thank goodness there are still some level-minded Republicans out there to save face for the party in lieu of the bungles of the Bush presidency. I'm talking about good, strong Jim Ramstad Republicans that seemingly stopped playing on the national stage once Jack Kemp retired. The Republicans who have the best chance of saving the GOP are its most recent detractors: General Colin Powell and former Minnesota governor Arne Carlson, both of whom said enough is enough with the GOP as it is today and sided with Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

It's a bold move for either, but perhaps a strong message to the party -- get off your ass and associate with the public in a way that is effective and rooted in Republican doctrine, not just dictated by high-priced donors with intent on a limited political scale (ie. banning abortion or promotion of big business). It's been far too easy for me to walk away from the Rove-Bush-Nixon-Falwell Republicans and into the arms of smart Democrats the likes of Obama-JFK-Woodrow Wilson-FDR. I'm not alone.

In closing, here are some strong, smart words from the GOP I used to appreciate:

Two of My Favorite Things

Oh, Papa

My affinity for Ernest Hemingway runs deep. I love his writing style, the crazy stories about his life's adventures and his books.

To me, The Old Man And The Sea is as close to literary perfection as a writer can attain. In my own writing I try to live by his journalism-driven mantra of finding the perfect sentence; using words sparingly and precisely.

If you ever wander over to my baseball blog you'll find another item I'm passionate about (these take a close second to the author of this blog).

Here is a great read in the New York Times that reflects everything I love about Hemingway. He was a brilliant man. At times Hemingway could be a great father and at times horrific as a parent. He was a womanizer, yet romantic. He was an artist, but still a hunting, boxing, football, swearing manly man. He was rich, yet loved the idea of the poor and downtrodden (and, while generous, never really helping anyone out but himself). Enjoy!

Yo, Government: Bail THIS out!

Toss this around your noggin



The current government proposal is to bail out what has been described as our nation's troubled financial system (albeit, that's a very vague name for what's going on). The current pricetag every media outlet is reporting is in the neighborhood of $700 billion.

That's 700,000,000,000.

I believe Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers put it best last night when he basically said that to put $700 billion into perspective ... well, he can't put that in perspective. The largest ever single jackpot won in the Powerball lottery was $365 million. It would require 1,918 wins of that size to pay off the bailout amount (keep in mind that the chance of winning any Powerball lottery is a wonderful 1 in 146 million).

According to statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, there are approximately 301.6 million people in the United States. If we divvied up that huge $700 billion chunk to every American, it would cost every single man, woman and child in the country $2,321 to pay it off.

There are about 73.9 million Americans under the age of 18. Therefore, there are 227.7 million American adults. Divide the bailout amount to the adults and it would put $3,074 in each of our pockets if we simply wrote checks to the citizens.

There are about 114.4 million households in the U.S. Give each household an equal portion of the bailout money and it's $6,119 apiece.

Again, to put it the other way, that's how much it costs each of us to bail out the people who make us pay high percentages on our credit and mortgages. Ugh.

One last thought: most low estimates put a monetary price tag on the Iraq War at $9 billion a month. Just thought I'd toss that number out for fun.

That's What She Said

First, the season-opener of The Office was outstanding. Nothing like hearing Phyllis talk about her "jugs." I really thought bringing back Ryan as a temp replacement for Pam was brilliant.

Second, that's what she said.

Third, try this new fun toy on what I consider to be the best website on the internet. My personal best is a terribly bad 33. Holes 5-8 are doosies.

Luke Russert's new blog

NBC seems to be grooming Luke Russert for a big-time job at the network. Apparently everyone involved admits the NBC News staff is pretty paternal toward Tim's son, but are adamant Luke has the chops to make it as a network newsman.

Here's a link to Luke Russert's blog.

On Luke's blog, there is a link to his producer's blog, which contains these interviews with Barack Obama and John McCain. A story I read says Matt Lauer prepped him for the interview, but there's no doubt the kid can ask questions and carry the interview gracefully.

You all wanted it: Tina Fey as Sarah Palin!

Here's a clip from Saturday's SNL opening skit. It's unbelievable how well Tina Fey pulls this off on every level.

Stumbling Old Man McCain

Palin Should Resign

John McCain tried to shake up the 2008 Presidential election with his surprise announcement of Alaska sophomore governor Sarah Palin as his pick to run for Vice President.

Oh, Johnny, how things shook.

There are many troublesome issues surrounding McCain's pick for VP, the first of which seemed to be large enough to seriously hurt the Republican cause -- Palin's undeniable lack of political/governing experience.

Here's my take on the whole Palin/Gustav/GOP Convention situation:

• MANY ARGUMENTS AGAINST OBAMA INJURED BY PALIN PICK: Palin's lack of national experience and shallow political resume eliminates McCain's largest and most valid argument against Obama. Apparently Palin hasn't ever appeared on national Sunday morning shows like "Meet The Press" or traveled outside the country aside from a recent trip to Iraq. Joe Biden may be a lot of things, but no one can doubt Biden's experience on the national and global theater. Obama's experience could easily be comparable to President Bush's inexperience as a world player prior to his presidency with Biden's being comparable to Dick Cheney's.


• WANTED LIEBERMAN: It's obvious McCain wanted to bring Mr. Life of the Party, the anti-dynamic Joe Lieberman, in as his VP candidate. While picking a good friend, monotoned speaker and former Democratic VP candidate would have played well on the West Wing, it clearly didn't with Republican leaders. Therefore, Lieberman was out.


• GIMIC PICKS MAKE HEADLINES: Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota's Governor, and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney would have been safe, comfortable and extremely viable picks after being told "no" to the Lieberman plan. Alas, with Obama drawing close to 40 million viewers for his acceptance of the Democratic nomination, McCain must have wanted a bigger bombshell than Romney or TPaw-- and one that went right after the female demographic (since poor Hilary Rodham Clinton was shafted by Obama). Somehow it doesn't seem to have hurt McCain that Palin is easy on the eyes (just ask my father). By keeping people wondering if Pawlenty, Romney, Florida governor Charlie Crist or Indiana Congressman Mike Pence would be his choice, McCain may have made voters feel he cares for their state and could have brought more votes. It's common to use potential VP talk for this advantage. With the gimic pick (hey, Liddy Dole, Condi Rice or Kay Bailey Hutchinson would have been stronger female candidates), McCain may have gotten this boost in battleground states as well as sealing Alaska up in the race for electoral votes.


• INSULTINGLY PANDERING TO HILARY SUPPORTERS:Palin's selection was far too obvious in its pandering of disgruntled Hilary supporters. It's insulting to women to think they would simply vote for a woman no matter what her political stance.


• PRO LIFE POSTERGIRL BECAUSE OF DOWNS BABY: It's insulting that Palin is pandered as the bastion of the Pro Life crusaders simply because she didn't abort her five-month-old son who was allegedly known prior to birth to have Down's Syndrome. This isn't exactly a valid example of Pro Life. The Republicans are implying that a Pro Choice person would have immediately aborted that baby. My understanding of Pro Choice is that there is a choice for an individual woman in relation to abortion. It doesn't seem unbelievable to me that a mother of four would choose to give birth to her fifth child no matter the possible birth defect. As our family doctor asked us when we were pregnant with our third child: "Do you want to do that test? If you are having trouble deciding, answer this for me -- if the test comes up positive, would it change your decision to have the baby? If not, then why even take the test?" For many people, pro-life or pro-choice, that answer may be similar to ours -- we will love and take care of that baby no matter what. It didn't imply whether I was Republican or Democrat.


• VETTING QUESTIONS: Palin's surprising announcement that her teenage daughter is five months pregnant not only brings further questions into McCain's ability to carefully examine something as important as vice presidential candidate -- a process insiders apparently call "vetting." If McCain "vets" like this, perhaps it calls into question his ability to think through issues of the presidency. It gives McCain the look of a maverick, but not just in the "reform" mold, but this one more in the mold of a non-conformist teen who simply goes against the grain just to go against the grain -- not exactly what independent voters may be looking for in a 72-year-old president.


• MORE VETTING QUESTIONS: It probably didn't bring elation to the GOP faithful when, one day into the convention, Palin announced she hired the lawyer to defend her in Alaska against charges of inappropriately dismissing Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan. Controversy on top of controversy at the convention isn't exactly great for this ticket.


• IS THIS PARENTING? How is it the Republicans argue Palin is an "everywoman"? Palin's husband Todd Palin is a champion snowmobile racer, a production supervisor for BP and a commerical fisherman. She is governor of Alaska and now is pulling double-duty as a vice presidential candidate. How many parents would have such family issues as a Downs child and a pregnant teen child and still agree to further themselves from hands-on parenting? It seems Palin is far from what I would expect a mother to do given the situations in her own family.


• WAS AN INDEPENDENT: Switching parties during a political career isn't a crime or a deathknell to a candidacy. Ronald Reagan began his career as a registered Democrat. However, Republican big wigs are running into spin problems each time they paint Palin as something she isn't. The most recent was as a lifelong Republican. Apparently it isn't true. It leaves voters wondering what else isn't true. This issue also brings up the "vetting" question again.


• ANNOUNCEMENTS DONE UNDERNEATH COVERAGE OF HURRICANE: I'm not a big conspiracy theorist, but I do understand marketing and working for a public relations campaign. It isn't outside the realm of possibility that GOP spinsters found it a good time to announce Palin's daughter's pregnancy after all major network anchors left St. Paul for New Orleans and Hurricane Gustav coverage. The hurricane was being blown out of proportion by all networks (including embarassing coverage by CNN and other all news channels) and it was a timely moment for Palin and her husband to release information about their daughter's pregnancy ... it was almost an afterthought on news coverage.


• FURTHER QUESTIONS: Palin has yet to go face-to-face in an interview with a seasoned national political reporter or anchor and hasn't given a press conference. Her recent schedule has been canceled until further notice and she has not been sighted in Minnesota. Where is she? Is she hiding? Certainly McCain didn't want his pick to be non-existent in the convention. This isn't good for the party or for the ticket no matter how anyone spins it.

Initially, Hurricane Gustav may have saved the McCain campaign a torrent of media coverage of the issues surrounding the Palin pick, but each day since his announcement of Palin as running mate provides more headaches for McCain.

It's my belief that McCain and GOP leadership are quickly scrambling to figure out what to do next in relation to Palin and the Republican Convention. Should he dismiss her? Should they "vet" her further and more in-depth (racing against investigative reporters dispatched to Alaska over the weekend)? Should they continue with business as usual and keep spinning Palin as a good pick?

The answer is simple.

Palin should save the GOP face and resign from the campaign citing protection of her family (ala H. Ross Perot in 1992 and Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura in 2002). It would be a bombshell to drop this resignation prior to Palin's nomination in the convention and would certainly garner unbelievable news coverage of the McCain ticket this week. No doubt, if she resigns this week, the new VP candidate would have to be someone of deep political experience and posterity. Such a scenario would keep Alaska in McCain's back pocket (he chose one of them first, after all) and give him an advantage with whichever state or demographic his new veep comes from. My guess is he would roll out Pawlenty or Romney or someone of that ilk. Hey, former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani just postponed his speech another day, hmmm.

My Latest Pet Peeve

Recently, I've heard it again and again. It's the same phrase over and over and now it's bugging me so much I can hardly stand it.

I heard it again today in an interview on the radio.

What, pray tell, could this HUGE problem be?

It's when people refer to years after 2009 in the same manner they do leading up to 2009. An example of what I find acceptable: "I will be attending the state fair in oh nine ['09]. Maybe I'll go again in two-thousand eleven [2011]."

Here's what I've been hearing lately: "I had a big year in oh five, oh six and oh seven ['05, '06, '07]. I'm hoping to get a long-term contract that pays me well into oh 10 or oh 11 ['010, '011].

What is the oh in oh eleven? Once we hit 2010 shouldn't it just be in twenty ten? How about in '11?

Yep, that's my new pet peeve.

Here's Why Conan O'Brien Will Dominate As Tonight Show Host

Crocs are the new Jellies

Anya had her yellow Crocs on today. Remember when Jelly shoes were all the rage?

Also, we ate at Old Country Buffet. I'm guessing the last time I set foot in an OCB was in the late 1980s. The food is darn good, the kids are cheap to feed and I sure was stuffed. Aside from that, I have never seen such an odd conglomeration of old folks, mullets, fat people and misbehaved kids in one spot. It was like living in a "My Name Is Earl" episode.

Did I mention I'm really full?

Arne Carlson is a great political mind

A few days ago I was stuck in traffic yet again and listening to Dan Barreiro on KFAN. The half hour I lived between Seven Corners and the U of M were at times unsettling. I mean, who wants to sit idle for that long on the bridge next to the one that fell down? While burning fuel in a mostly idling state, I found this interview to be largely fantastic. It seems to me former Minnesota governor Arne Carlson has become a great political mind. Abby may be the only person other than me to love this interview, but he makes some outstanding points. His ideas about the Obama/Clinton battle and later the mistakes John McCain is making are insightful and entertaining. Take a listen. It takes about 30 seconds to get going, but it's worthwhile.



My favorite tidbits: Al Gore should be the Democrat's presidential candidate, but probably Obama and Clinton will have to run together to win.

Arne has a good blog on Channel 9 that is also worth a read. His latest post is about how Republican Governor Tim Pawlenty and Minnesota state Democrats need to find a way around the budget issue that could really hurt Minnesotans in the long run.




Oddly, he's become my favorite political pundit (and is much easier on the ears than southern idiot James Carville).

Bob Dylan parody

Mick sent me this a long time ago and I finally decided to post it.

The Boss is as good as ever

Sunday night's Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band concert at the Xcel was, as usual for Bruce, fantastic. Max Weinberg, Lil' Steven Van Zant, Clarence Clemons and the rest of the guys sure can rock for 50-60-somethings. There aren't many concerts I'll pay to see anymore, but you can always chalk up Springsteen, U2 and the Rolling Stones in my book. They are always worth the money, even when it's over $100 for upper deck.

Here are the two reviews: Minneapolis Star-Tribune and St. Paul Pioneer Press. The set list can be found on this fan website with another review.

The show finished with this great folk tune (video from a different venue, but you get the idea):



Here are some bootleg videos from the November show.

Don't we all miss Slave Raider?

I was thinking about how much fun it used to be to run out to The Press or a local ballroom and see Slave Raider and all the hubub that went along with them. The band was best with Leticia Ray on bass and, frankly, their Led Zepplin, Rush and Queen covers were the best parts of the show. Chainsaw Caine invented the chainsaw solo -- only to have the idea stolen by Jackyl.

Remember when that chick climbed on the stage in 1986 at the New Munich Ballroom (RIP) and took off her shirt? It was the same night Mick was nailed in the head by a thrown bottle... good times, good times. Whadda ya say? ...

SNL skit: Obama/Clinton debate

I thought this was well-done on the return of new Saturday Night Live episodes yesterday:

American Idol parodies

I'm enjoying American Idol again this year, watching and talking about it with the girls. Not that I'm bragging, but I successfully picked Jordin Sparks to win last year when the field was cut down to a final 16. My picks to leave this week are: Amanda Overmyer (the goth-rocker who sounds like Kim Carnes), Kristy Lee Cook (looks, sounds just like every other blonde Idol contestant), Danny Noriega (this year's version of Sanjaya -- only this one cries a lot) and Chikezie (whatever that means).

If you pushed me, I'd bet on Ramiele Malubay and David Archuleta being the final two. I need another week to fully decide, however.

Here are some of my favorite American Idol vids:

Funny 80s Metal: Metal Symphony

Continuing in the series of absurd Heavy Metal ploys, I think it's time to look at a facet of metal that simply is too much for the psyche to absorb. Yep, like a really bad beginning to a joke, it's time to explore the mixed-up/mashed-up world of metal head rockers and bassoon players (OK, OK, OK ... I've got one ... A 1980s metal shredding hair gob who plays guitar for Metal Church walks into a bar and sits down next to a violin player from the London Philharmonic ...).

Metallica. Led Zepppelin. Deep Purple. The Scorpions.

I'm sure that's what cellist Yo-Yo Ma and violinist Boris Garlitsky were thinking while honing their delicate classical crafts: "I sure hope I can back up Motley Crue playing Dr. Feelgood some day."

I guess it must be simple, cold, hard truth: orchestral musicians can probably make a year's wage in two concerts with a shitty metal band playing the most mundane and simple music of their lives. Power chords on the viola.

There they sit: gray-haired, formally attired, perfect posture, sheet music in place ... while some spandex-wearing heroin addict wails away on his distorted guitar, sweating and acting like playing four power chords is hard work. Most of these guys don't belong anywhere near a kindergarten music class puttering through London Bridge on claves and huge xylophones, let alone anything called a philharmonic.

Irony.

Well, at least the metal fans get their fancy learning for the day when someone's agent talks these folks into selling their musical souls for quick bucks. That, and the metal whores who hang around backstage, of course.

Here are a few examples. Note the bands usually play too loud to even hear the orchestra behind them. Enjoy the fact that not one of them can read a single note nor understands a bit of musical theory while people behind them who can and do toil for a cheap parlor trick.

Vladimir Jurowski takes the podium. Taps twice. Instruments up. Thrash!

Funny 80s Metal Exhibit 3: Swedish Rockers

Just when you thought Heavy Metal was only limited to four or five countries you find it was a worldwide domination blasting us all with its heaviness and rockiness.

Absurdity continues when the bad ass Swedes get a hold of a Marshall Amplifier and grow really long, curly hair. Two things the Swedes added to the corny mix: Really wimpy "metal keyboarding" and really, really fast guitar playing that makes no melodic sense.

Note: Sticking with the foreign metal rocker form: these guys are super corny in their staing and choreography -- oh, and yes that hair is getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Rock on.

Exhibit 3A: Europe


Cyndy: Don't even ask ... yes this is the same band that put out that great metal ballad "Carrie." It's on a karaoke CD. I'll get drunk and sing it once for you.

Exhibit #3B is Swede speed metalist Yngwie Malmsteen, who fronted a terrible band called Yngwie Malmsteen's Rising Force. He once played in a band called Alcatrazz, but he's far too important and too damn good to not have his name on the marquee. Just ask him. My favorite move of his is the lunge right, bend right knee and leave left leg out straight as if doing some kind of yoga move. The Kip Winger kicks are also super duper.

By the way -- Malmsteen was considered one of the new waves of metal guitar players called Bach N Rollers because of his affinity for classical music licks and arpeggios. Personally, I think Bach, Beethoven and Mozart would roll in their graves ... But man, what a rocker!

Funny 80s Metal Exhibit #2: Japanese Metal

So I think I'm onto something (or just on something) ... the 1980s will provide me a rich series of posts for my blog and I feel it is imperative I steer us in that direction. Exhibit #2 of absolutely absurd 80s metal has to be the rise of Japanese heavy metal bands. My personal favorite was a band called Loudness, which I recently found is still touring on occasion.

Loudness follows the non-Western metal band formula: gravel voice (ala Brian Johnson of AC/DC) combined with somewhat average/below average guitar playing. The key, it seemed, was to mimic American metal no matter how incredibly bad the actual music was. In addition, the lyrics are so basic because the singers decided to sing in English (which, as you see, poses a few problems with dynamics and poetry).

Loudness were little Japanese guys with huge hair and a ton of distortion on their guitars. I owned two of their CDs (I know, I know). I'll never forget my friend Ray laughing during the song "Like Hell" (from the CD Thunder in the East) in which lead screecher Minoru Niihara's accent fell short so it was: "Rike Helr". As with the other foreign metal bands, these guys took all the campiness of 80s metal a little too seriously ... honestly, watch Spinal Tap and you'll never stop laughing at these. [Note: The guitar player is better than the German bands previously featured here on the Metal Shop].

Nothing like a chorus of "Hey!" (I think that's whay they're saying).

Remember: "Rock N' roll crazy nights. You are the heros tonight."



Here's another one ... what the heck. It's "Like Hell":



You're welcome.

Funny 80s Metal Exhibit #1: German Metal

Being a product of the hot rockin' 1980s I think it's OK to call myself an effecianato of that era's Heavy Metal explosion. To give your palate a taste: my favorites were (and in some cases, still are) bands like Van Halen, Ratt, Dokken, Metallica, Def Leppard, Cinderella, AC/DC, Guns N' Roses, Queensryche, Twisted Sister, Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osbourne and Judas Priest. Basically, every band Spinal Tap parodies are the bands I truly enjoyed.

Sometimes for the absurdity of it all.

For absurdity sake, my lasting favorites are German metal bands. I saw The Scorpions in concert twice and they always thrilled with the campiest, most terrible "choreography" of guitar playing and fancy stage primping in front of crowds. It was as if the foreign metal bands didn't understand what was too corny and what was just plain cool (cool was Cinderella slinging their guitars over the backs in unison; uncool was a "rock pyramid" created by the two guitarists, a singer and the bass player).

Here is exhibit A of funny 80s metal. Exhibit A-1 is a band called Accept, one of numerous gravel-throated bands that tried to capitalize on the AC/DC sound. Accept is soooooo German metal ... complete with a short little lead singer who looks like a cross between a crazy Nazi and Patton Oswalt of King of Queens/Ratatoulle fame):





And here are the kings of them all -- Scorpions:

Another of my favorite online video spots

Goodiebag.com is my latest favorite stopping spot.

Frankly, this was my kind of humor when I used to exibit a sense of one. It's true -- just ask Drunk Lady or Rachel or even Mick or Spud. They'll confirm. Ah the good old days...

Bill Gates Has Retired

Bill Gates just retired from Microsoft this week. I've always found him to be a compelling person. My favorite story about him was in one of the biographies published several years back. It told of Gates sitting in his huge mansion in the Pacific NW with a few buddies. They were just hanging out. The guys start talking about ordering a pizza and everyone's discussing who's going to put in for the pizza. Remember, Bill Gates, 52, is the richest private person in the world with a net worth of at least $56 billion (according to Forbes Magazine). His worth has been estimated in the past to be up to $100 billion. His 48,000 square foot mansion, valued at around $100 million is no Unabomber cabin.

They all are deciding if they should order pizza as if they were poor college students. Finally, Gates gets on the phone and calls Domino's or Pizza Hut or something. The kid on the line says: "Sorry man, we just closed. We aren't delivering anymore tonight," so Gates hangs up. He turns to his friends and says: "Dang it, we just missed it. They said the place just closed. I really wanted a pizza, too."

One of his friends looks at him and says: "Bill, you're the richest man in the world. For crying out loud, you could buy the company if you wanted to and have them put a branch in your house. Call them back and see how much money it'll take for them to stay open a few more minutes and bring us a pizza." Gates apparently likes to throw money around as much as he likes Apple. Finally they convince him and they place a wager on how much he'll have to offer to get the kid there.

Gates calls back to the pizza place and asks if $100 would make it worth his while to deliver the pizza and keep it open. The kid accepts and when Gates says it's for him the kid goes nuts. They make the pizza and bring it to the mansion.

I think that story is funny because it tells you even Bill Gates can't comprehend his personal worth.

Here are two funny videos of him I found on the internet. One is from David Letterman and the other produced by Gates himself: