Funny 80s Metal: Metal Symphony

Continuing in the series of absurd Heavy Metal ploys, I think it's time to look at a facet of metal that simply is too much for the psyche to absorb. Yep, like a really bad beginning to a joke, it's time to explore the mixed-up/mashed-up world of metal head rockers and bassoon players (OK, OK, OK ... I've got one ... A 1980s metal shredding hair gob who plays guitar for Metal Church walks into a bar and sits down next to a violin player from the London Philharmonic ...).

Metallica. Led Zepppelin. Deep Purple. The Scorpions.

I'm sure that's what cellist Yo-Yo Ma and violinist Boris Garlitsky were thinking while honing their delicate classical crafts: "I sure hope I can back up Motley Crue playing Dr. Feelgood some day."

I guess it must be simple, cold, hard truth: orchestral musicians can probably make a year's wage in two concerts with a shitty metal band playing the most mundane and simple music of their lives. Power chords on the viola.

There they sit: gray-haired, formally attired, perfect posture, sheet music in place ... while some spandex-wearing heroin addict wails away on his distorted guitar, sweating and acting like playing four power chords is hard work. Most of these guys don't belong anywhere near a kindergarten music class puttering through London Bridge on claves and huge xylophones, let alone anything called a philharmonic.

Irony.

Well, at least the metal fans get their fancy learning for the day when someone's agent talks these folks into selling their musical souls for quick bucks. That, and the metal whores who hang around backstage, of course.

Here are a few examples. Note the bands usually play too loud to even hear the orchestra behind them. Enjoy the fact that not one of them can read a single note nor understands a bit of musical theory while people behind them who can and do toil for a cheap parlor trick.

Vladimir Jurowski takes the podium. Taps twice. Instruments up. Thrash!

Funny 80s Metal Exhibit #2: Japanese Metal

So I think I'm onto something (or just on something) ... the 1980s will provide me a rich series of posts for my blog and I feel it is imperative I steer us in that direction. Exhibit #2 of absolutely absurd 80s metal has to be the rise of Japanese heavy metal bands. My personal favorite was a band called Loudness, which I recently found is still touring on occasion.

Loudness follows the non-Western metal band formula: gravel voice (ala Brian Johnson of AC/DC) combined with somewhat average/below average guitar playing. The key, it seemed, was to mimic American metal no matter how incredibly bad the actual music was. In addition, the lyrics are so basic because the singers decided to sing in English (which, as you see, poses a few problems with dynamics and poetry).

Loudness were little Japanese guys with huge hair and a ton of distortion on their guitars. I owned two of their CDs (I know, I know). I'll never forget my friend Ray laughing during the song "Like Hell" (from the CD Thunder in the East) in which lead screecher Minoru Niihara's accent fell short so it was: "Rike Helr". As with the other foreign metal bands, these guys took all the campiness of 80s metal a little too seriously ... honestly, watch Spinal Tap and you'll never stop laughing at these. [Note: The guitar player is better than the German bands previously featured here on the Metal Shop].

Nothing like a chorus of "Hey!" (I think that's whay they're saying).

Remember: "Rock N' roll crazy nights. You are the heros tonight."



Here's another one ... what the heck. It's "Like Hell":



You're welcome.

Funny 80s Metal Exhibit #1: German Metal

Being a product of the hot rockin' 1980s I think it's OK to call myself an effecianato of that era's Heavy Metal explosion. To give your palate a taste: my favorites were (and in some cases, still are) bands like Van Halen, Ratt, Dokken, Metallica, Def Leppard, Cinderella, AC/DC, Guns N' Roses, Queensryche, Twisted Sister, Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osbourne and Judas Priest. Basically, every band Spinal Tap parodies are the bands I truly enjoyed.

Sometimes for the absurdity of it all.

For absurdity sake, my lasting favorites are German metal bands. I saw The Scorpions in concert twice and they always thrilled with the campiest, most terrible "choreography" of guitar playing and fancy stage primping in front of crowds. It was as if the foreign metal bands didn't understand what was too corny and what was just plain cool (cool was Cinderella slinging their guitars over the backs in unison; uncool was a "rock pyramid" created by the two guitarists, a singer and the bass player).

Here is exhibit A of funny 80s metal. Exhibit A-1 is a band called Accept, one of numerous gravel-throated bands that tried to capitalize on the AC/DC sound. Accept is soooooo German metal ... complete with a short little lead singer who looks like a cross between a crazy Nazi and Patton Oswalt of King of Queens/Ratatoulle fame):





And here are the kings of them all -- Scorpions: